I’ve been out and low for quite a while now. It’s been quite a roller coaster since my last post. There have been some ups and a whole lotta downs. But something’s different about whats goin on in my head today. It’s the onset of an unrelenting urge to disrupt my reality- disrupt whatever I thought I was capable of- and to begin to push my limits. To get out of my comfort zone and begin action and realize everything I wish for. In the 24 yrs I’ve spent here, I’ve felt this way only twice before…….so profound are their existence in my past- that I and my life are a function of it. I guess its evolution….its like a snake sheds its skin….it is the same snake….. but, in some way …it’ll never be the same again.
The song “46 and 2” by “Tool” says it all for me…….
"My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me."
